and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize