I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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