her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize