I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
