thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
