What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
