Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
