Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
