Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
