matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
