I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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