We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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