we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize