she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
