I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize