I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
