I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
