I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
