I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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