I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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