is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
