i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
