oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
