I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
