Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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