She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
