I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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