as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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