The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i drank out of a bidet.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
