i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Randomize
