Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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