goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
