I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
