my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have fence marks all over my body
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
