Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
