I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
