grandma shit on top of the toilet
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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