She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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