she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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