M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
