She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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