Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize