Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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