Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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