Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
