What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
