she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You are a genius and a whore.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
