I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
