Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
