last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
