why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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