i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
