he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Randomize
