i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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