beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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