I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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