I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
