giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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