The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
