I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
