No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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