Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
