Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
