i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
