The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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