Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize